Remembering: A mama's regrets and redemption...

     Last night as I went to sleep and my mind had room enough to play back the moments of the day, I remembered the sharp words I had spoken to Grace, my four-year-old at lunchtime... and the way we had hurried through the morning without hugs or greetings... and that we rushed to nap, rushed to meet with church friends, and rushed home again... then to bed with only a half kiss.

And then I remembered seeing small, reproachful glances... the look from a soul who knows she is being brushed aside, not valued.

And it was then, on my pillow, that I realized:  I had never stopped to enjoy her... to hug her long... to appreciate the wild imagination that fills her head...

I had not seen the bright blue eyes that beam when her mommy loves on her.
They were not there yesterday.

And the Spirit softened the stone. 

"I want to love better tomorrow.  To let her know that she has a mommy who cares, though not perfectly. To not be so caught up in my self-centered life that I miss more moments to share in her life."

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     This morning, I woke up not really remembering the regrets of last night, but feeling a sense of commitment to loving Grace better today. Very briefly, I thought that the time to start would be during our school lesson in the morning, and maybe by just spending some time snuggled reading together instead of trying to plow through a math lesson as we have been doing everyday... but I promptly forgot all about spending "special time" as the day accelerated on.

Then, as Grace and I sat down to reading, writing and arithmetic, she asked in her quiet voice, "Do you think maybe... um... we could sit on your bed and read our chapter book together? That is really fun." 

And I told her that the Spirit was alive in her heart because He had already told mommy that is what we should do together this morning... but I forgot.  And she reminded me.  

Thankful today for things like:

• the return of shining blue eyes
• sorrow for short, pointed words
• wanting to try again

A timely re-post from the archives as a reminder to myself this new school year;  

To give my children an education void of relationship is to give them nothing at all.